My Journal

well yesterday was my 60th birthday all I wanted was my children to realize how important it was to me Nat call more about himself than about me all UI asked for from him was a bd card he can spend $3 for cigs but not one penny for a card for me and Sharron last week I went to san jose tosee her and nat first night after driving 5 hrs she invites friends to go to dinner with her pat nat and me why can't she even spend 1 hr with me alone or with just family. she hands me a gift bag for my bd it contains many samples of the stuff she sells a candle and a book on colds I know 1 of these things was ment for mothers day because she told me she'd give it to me when I saw her because she forgot to send it to me, god Joanna aleast took time to pick out something special a book the 5 people you meet in heaven. the next day in sj sharron has a garage sale I wasn't upset really about this because nat and i could spend time but she through a fit when i wwent and got nat acting like i wasn't to go and leave her,that night we went to dinner because i wanted to take them out i hoped we do something after but no all i wanted was something anything a small bd cake anything would have made me so happy well fuck them all

liddea well she never even called or anything but when she passed her test for work or needed dresses fixed she knew where i was I have really come to the idea I mean nothing to any of them I olny wish that by my next bd I am off this earth because I can't take any more from these ungreatful brats they have no idea what it took to raise them i have nothing because i gave then all i had.I only want off this world out of this life I have no children or any one thank god for sam aleast he comes, even loring calls and my mother but god help me if those children care at all about me so I have to find a way to end it everything

some days I wonder is anyone out there, I spent the whole day in he apartment, it was very hot today and so I stayed in no one called and I don't call anyone because they have lives and don't need to be bothered by me. but still is anyone out there who remembers me I some times think if I was told I was going to die no one would care not even me. I wish some one would let me know I was thought of. still I know no body should be checking on me after all I can take care of myself been doing it for a long long time but just wish there was some one out there for me.

once again I ask myself what did I do I don't understand. I always did everything for my children and Nat was one of my children, he's on the computer even as I write this but he's to busy to even say hi I just don't understand whats happened it is driving me over the edge. I can't go to San Jose because I will has to look at people who don't really care about me or anything I do. I have always felt alone but never more than now, I long to be free of this life I would run away but where to I am a coward in so many ways. Life isn't supposed to be always so unhappy. The betrayal of all those I have loved is complete and I find myself asking why? I am sick and I am so tired my body hurts in ways no one can understand, the falls are becoming more, the pain greater and I know the eternal sadness I feel will never end this is God punishment to me only I don't know why I sid everything for my fsmily gave up jobs and futures so they would have as much as they wanted and I could give I thought thats what a parent does. maybe Rudy was right have a life they"ll grow up and forget me and I'll have nothing, they came back to him even though he abandoned them when they were young for his own pleasures he didn't even pay support for a long time but I didn't tell them he was so busy with his life he left everything up to me then condemed me for the choices I made but I really believe I did my best but look a me now the sadness has never left it will always haunt me. No matter where I go.

I feel like I am going crazy/ I don't want to go to San Jose I don't want to be nesr my family they really don't care anyhow. Sharron drops everything to come down because Debras dad died but can't take a day off when I'm coming up. I remember every thing my children have said to me, Liddea saying I don't matter to her she has her own life, last year mothers day they took me to the movies only thing is they get in for free and everyonr got a soda a popcorn but me, this year she takes me out to dinner only it's her favorite place never asking me where I wanted to go. She has never been in this apt I've lived here over 2 years and she lives 10 minutes away but she's so busy. Sharron always says mom I'll call you back but never does she told me not to tell her how I feel health ways, and after the car never to ask for another thing funny thing is I didn't ask for it. She calls but I think she feels she has to, I wish just once she acted like she cared. Nathaniel is the biggest hurt he can't even find time to call me it hurt so baad to find out those you love the most have left you the pain is deep and I just can't bear the idea off being with them . I have become so lost even baby brings me no pleasure I almost wish she would die so I didn't have to hear her squeeal all the time I feel bad I feel this way but it is how I feel. I cry all the time, I wish someone could hear me, no one wants to know, my eye is so swollen it hurts all the time light makes it worse, nmy pinky finger tip is broken it is really bad but no one to tell, the fall was really bad but no one to tell or ot care it is killing me to know no one cares, I wish for death but it does not happen to be free really free what I would give to be free.

today was another day, I told Loring last night how really awful I feel all the time sad, depressed and just plain hopeless, she said she saw a special on Fibro and it said this was typical of the ailment. It desn't help[ to know that and I think there is more. Emily's bday is today Liddea said she was cooking a special dinner for her thought she'd invite me but not so does not my family know how alone I am. I gave up everything to raise them all and I mean everything when the girls were young I was offered a great job but the girls wouldn't move so I said no I felt they had already been through enough with their father and all. then came Nat I wanted him to have a good life so I did all I could even giving up a chance for a good career, I loved him so I would have given up anything. I don't expect them to remember me every day but maybe once a week would be nice I try to talk to them but they are always so busy and I always get the I'll call you later but later never comes. I really wish i had the guts to tell them how I feel or maybe to dissapear. the only way I know is die but don't want to kill my self some thing in me says God would not forgive that so I am stuck in limbo neither here nor there this is no was to live.

today Emily graduated from hi school, I took everyone out for dinner after but when I got home I felt so sad a gripping saddness, seem like I'll never understand how to be family I try but I just don't get it. Rudy and Debra were there but now neither talk to me feel every thing slipping away but I can't figure out why or how or what. My saddness just seems to be deepening. I is so weird I should be happy it was a nice time with everyone but still I feel lost or something like that, I see no way out and still nothing from Nat God it hurts so bad I can't seem to feel anything but sad still getting sick every morning and the pain is almost more than I can bear. Having strange pains in my side it doubles me over. I don't feel like I should be here to much longer maybe dissapearing is the right thing.. Wish I had courage I need but I don't know how to get it because I don't know what I need maybe just to belong I don't think I ever felt like I belong any where even as a child I never fely right like I was out of place. It is so strange that as old as I am I still can't find a place to belong. Family is such a joke some time I wish

I sent the email today letting them know I'm not coming up. I just can't feel good about going there Sharron always treats me like I'm stupid, and she really doesn't talk to me. Nat well I can't bear the feeling he too feels like the rest of them and going there will just make me feel worse

well today like all the rest just suck I've pretty much decided that I'm not going to san jose. Andrew graduates and no one even called me or anything, I'm tired of being treated as a second class family member Sharron calls but its a duty call always ends very quickly with I'll call you later but of coures never does. I guess everyone now spends time with Rudy camping ect but no one had the nerve to tell me I find out almost by accident. I feel like just forgetting all of them I mean how much pain am I to take the loss of Nat has ht me so hard I find myself crying when I drive its got to stop, just wish I knew how never believed he'd forget me. I is killing me thaat my own children think of me as a problem or something I'll never take anything from them again I'd rather starve or do with out than be a burden and thats what they make me feel like. The fact that I've been abandoned or what ever just hurts. I am so tired{physical and emotional pain} I really do just wish I could die or dissapear. But I don't know what to do, there is no help I mean who cares anyhow. the saddness is so overwhelming it is swallowing me up.

I feel all alone with nothing I wish I no longer was. I have no reason to be. I get up every morning sick to my stomach and there is no other reason than the realization I have no reason other that survival to move or think or be. If I weren't a coward I'd be no more. I see no way out no future nothing but another day like all the others alone. I can't take the pain I remember the things my children have said I think I must be some kind of burden to them but I sat out of there lives. I feel no connection to anything or anyone anymore. I never learn I trust and I get hurt I have to remember never trust especially those I love they hurt the most. I wish I could find a reason or a way out. I'm a coward or I'd be gone, but that fear of God keeps me from doing anything. Fear and loneliness never seem far ways. I can't even look forward to July and the trip I don't want to go maybe I 'll be gone by then but I know it's not going to happen.. I don't think I can take the pain of the loss of the child I loved the most he lives and I die because he has forgotten me. I fear they will all do this, but I only get pity calls anyhow so what is the difference,

me
I realize that I am really alone the one I loved the best has now forgotten me, I hurt so bad. I never believed he could forget me but not even a happy mothers day to me I've cried until I can't any more, I never thought he'd be like the others but what a fool I am, the girls with there hurtfull words and him with not even one word, I don't think I want to see or feel any more. I some times wish I could just dissapear I know no one would come looking for me and that hurts almosts as much as knowing I am not loved or cared about. I can't bear traveling up there in July I can't take any more pain, I know every one grows up but to just let me go like I never matered. So much pain from those who are supposed to love you better not to be loved, I feel like I'll never trust any one ever why should I they just kill me with out putting me to death, it is a living death a real one would be better but I am a coward some day maybe not. If life goes on like this I probally should just dissapear for ever and death is the best way to end. I can't take knoeing he has forgotten me I know he has a life but just one kind word would save me but it won't come.

Current Mood: sad
Current Music: my immortal

i give up
I give up I try to get more work with secret shopping but they have tests and I can't pass them they aren'y hard I think my mind is just old. I am worried about driving to San jose this xmas I am having trouble with my right side my hand and ankle are both in a lot of pain. The fall several months ago seem to have been worse than I realized. There is nerve damage inthe hand half of it is numb and my ankle tingles and swells most of the time. The stress of everything is begining to show on me I am gaining weight and not sleeping. I'm having bad nightmares. I am just so tried of pretending everything is ok it's not. Maybe I'll tell everyone how I feel about the holidays and all.

monday
It's been so long since I've written in this. haven't heard from Nat in such a long time , I wonder what he is up to. Today was not the greatest day for me I had a client cancel and I really need the money, I'm going to have to find a way to make money that is different from how I have been, My eyes are really bothering me lately I'm having trouble seeing they tear up and this can go on for hours plus my hands hurt like crazy.. I was able to keep Sharron from seeing that I was in pain, not that she would have noticed she doesn't seem to get it but thats ok if she doesn't know about it she won't have to worry about me..

today
I'm in so much pain my mind is screaming, the pain is in my shoulders ,legs hey both hurt more than ever how do I keep going, moving, working, just functioning seems to be getting harder I try but I'm losing it. No one knows, what could they do anyhow. I'm tired of being strong but no choice fake it every day pretend to be one thing but really something else. Will the pain ever go away I feel so alone I need some reason I had that with children but now no reason for anything never do anything right anyhow someones always upset with me no matter how hard I try can't keep this up much longer no one realizes I have feeling they pull at me Sharron's mad because she thinks I didn't want to see her but I thought she didn't want t osee me, Liddea could care less if I'm alive ot dead afterall she only needs me when she needs me I can never need anyone because then I'm weak, If they only knew how hard it is to love your children but never sure they care I know thay blame me because I divorced there father years ago they say they don't but no matter what he does it's ok me I never do anything right inthere eyes, I give up I really do the pain and constant hurting is making it harder to be normal not that I was ever normal. Wish I could just scream run away or be around people something else than what I have now. I just want peace and a small amount happiness not that much to want just some peace and happiness. So much time left in my life and I see no thing not even tomorrow wish I thought I had a real tomorrow

life
went to Nats this weekend it was his 21st bday, I had such a good time, felt bad because Sharron insisted we go to a place to eat that Nat really didn't want to go he wanted pizza but Sharron insisted on Chinesse food so we didn't get pizza, Sharron has to always get her own way. Went to china town in san francisco me, Nat, and Daniel it was nice to spend time with the boys. Wish I could have spent time with Joanna, Sharron is mad because she thinks I only came to see Nat, she took us to dinner friday, then on sat she and Pat went to a car show, so she was busy, sun she and Pat and I went to breakfast after that went back to her house she and Pat went on computer looking at cars, so I left but she is mad because she says she wanted to do something with me she never said anything to me. Had a good talk with Daniel on the way home from san jose he is really smart and has it together but his mother seems to yell at him all the time he didn't want to go home said he would get nothing but trouble when he got home I really feel sorry for him.

saturday
Loring stayed last night I sleept on the sofa well I didn't really sleep its to small, this morning I worked for Pat then we went to see Sam, we ctook the train to hollywood and highland we walked and walked Loring spent money like nothing I got 2 small gifts 1 for Nat 1 for Joanna, I teated for cookies and icecream and Sam for drinks to our surprise Loring bought dinner. aAll and all it was an ok day was nice to see Sam I really miss him, When I got home there was a message from Nat just hearing his voice makes my day I am so proud of him he is really growing up. School and ged and now talk of doing more to plan his future. I am so greatful I had the honor of raising him he is just a great person, kind, loving and sweet. I'm also happy he found Joanna she is good for him butalso to him and that is important to me. I can't wait for friday I made arrangements to leave by about 11:30 so I'll be up there early enough to enjoy his birthday, 21 what a strange thing to realize he's that old already, some days I wish for that little boy to be with me again but I am happy at the kind of man he's becoming I know he will be a great man maybe not famous but a great man in the sense that he will be honorable and honest,bwhat more could a mother want of he child and he is my son and child not giving birth to him is the only thing I didn't do but I was there even then. I wonder if he knows what a gift he has been to me he has made my life so happy.

life sucks
well just about the time I think I'm going to get ahead a client cancels, Barbara said her husband is going to hlep her clean house so I lose $100. a month and it would have made life better but I'll survive, i've got to get the printer so I can start secret shopping. Luckily I managed to save enough for trip to Nats, but Sam wants to go to San Diego in Oct. and I said I'd go so I really need to get new client or something else to do .I'm sick and tired of bearly making it and Edna is still mad so I'm not even making any extra from her. Tomorrow Loring is spending the night so we can go to Sam's saturday but first I have to work for Pat that way I'll have food money,and I won't get to sleep in my bed friday and don't think my body can take alot more it hurts all the time. The fibro has started to take a toll on me. I really need to find another way to make money someone suggested I start a company organizing other peoples stuff. I'd like that but need to get capital for this so secret shopping would be a good way to get money ahead. Well what a surprise Edna just called and asked me to have dinner with her so I'm going of course she is may friend and the pnly one I have so can't afford to loss this one. Isn't life grand or maybe it is meant to so sucky.

wed
I'm so ready for my mini vacation Daniel is so excited about his trip.Was suposse to see Loring today but she never called so I guess she is still mad about not going to Andrews football game with me. To bad so sad like I care, still she should have called. She gets free calling not me. Have to get Andrew his Bday gift a gun like Nats. Boys. Warned Daniel today about using his gun at Nats told him to behave himself lets hope he gets it, hope I have enough money for this trip. But no matter what I'll be there. Miss Nat so much wish I could be closer to him and Sharron but thats just not possible. I still need printer for this computer so I can get started with secret shopping. Well thats just one more thing to add to the list of needs, Client tried to cancel tomorrow but I finally spoke up told her this was my income and I needed this work, so she'll have special jobs for me tomorrow, I bet she cancels anyhow but I sure hope not $100. a month.

tuesday
alittle sad today not sure why, saw an old friend who used to work at Bank of America when I did she was there when Nat was born so many wonderful memories, her and I talked about those days, She remembered the day he was born .told her he would be 21 soon and she couldn't believe it, seems like just yesterday, I remember the little boy who was and is still so sweet and kind I think I did a good job with him , he is kind, giving, and always cares about other people. My wish is that he is always happy and doesn't need to worry about to many thing in his life, I know how smart he is hust wish he understood what a great person he is and that the world has so much to offer, wish I had known that many years ago I don't regret my life or children but maybe thing would have been different but life is what it is. Feel my life slipping away slowly I don't seem to have any direction to focus, guess it's to late to change some things but I'm sure some things can be different just wish I knew how. They don't teach how to have a life after children go and you have no one else.

this damd machine
I decided to turn off computer because of the heat and noise it produces. When i turned it back on what a mess aol got lost and the stupid zone labs zone alert kept me from getting in it took me forever to get it all back on I have to diconnect the zone alert thing just to get into internet explore, seems the zone firewall just blocks it. I wish I could find someone to teach me this fool machine. I want to be able to use it without worrying this machine makes me crazy. I just want to be able to go on and go off to be able to turn the machine off once in awhile. Just worry about this machine all the time it is very stressful.

9/10/04 bad day
today was the first day in awhile where pain was so bad I finally left client house, even before starting the job. The pain is worse than ever plus the foot is still swollen, what a mess this day actually had me crying the pain is that bad I don't have pain meds anymore Don't think it would help. My shoulders, legs and hips are really acting up hope this isn't a sign of bad things to come, . Then on top of it Edna is still upset because I told her 2 weeks ago about her driving so I'm not working for her as much and just now my sat person called and may cancel so no extra money for food, well good thing I bought a lot last week, besides maybe I wouldn't be able to work tomorrow. This is really scary, and it hurts to just sit here and type what am I going to do? I'm so tired of this I thought I was feeling better about alot of things but it feels like I'm in a cave trapped. I know pain causes me depression so I hope by staying down tonight not that I have anything to do anyhow, I'll feel better tomorrow God I hope so because this pain is so tiring. I have to feel better I'll drive to San Jose no matter what but believe I'll be better in 2 weeks. Can't figure what started the pain trip again but know stress is a factor and I do feel stress, and depression, still hurt about bday it bothers me Liddea couldn't even try to do something for me just some lame excuse she didn't know what to get me, boy she sure was able to get her father and Debbie gifts for their bdays and other holidays, I'm still waiting for the dress she said she was getting me for mothers day why do I care she never really has only when she needs me does she even remember I'm around. Days like this make me just want to give up or even disappear but where would I go? Florida doesn't seem like a good idea besides I don't think I could stand to be around Loring for to long, Sam says I could come down there but he has his own life just like Nat and Sharron so they're out what to do. This machine is my only connection with the outside world, there is always some place to go on the computer. But it's not real and I have to keep remembering it. Well enough of this pity party need to just kick self and move on if I could move.

Advertisement